


dont know what to do without you

by Anonymous



Category: supermega
Genre: Angst, Lowercase, Not really though, Self-Harm, vent fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-13
Updated: 2020-06-13
Packaged: 2021-03-04 06:08:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,316
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24688906
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Relationships: No Romantic Relationship(s)
Kudos: 7
Collections: Anonymous





	dont know what to do without you

hours felt like days; ryan bounced his leg quickly, eyes bouncing from the tv to his phone, trying to ignore the urges as much as he could but he just can't anymore-- he needs to do something..has to do something before he goes insane.

his friend beside him, matt, paused the game he was currently playing, turning his head towards the direction of the older male. "ry, are you okay? you seem uneasy.."

the pang of guilt hit ryan like a semi truck, his best friend was so naive towards ryan's secret, not that the older male would ever want him to know, he has his own problems to deal with, his depression and his anxiety, he shouldn't have to worry about his friend to pile on top of that as well.

"uh.." ryan cleared his throat. "y-yeah im good, can you pause the recording? i need to piss." ryan faked a believable smile even though the action made him cringe to himself; what did he do to deserve to smile? plus he was lying to his best friend, he was a horrible person.

matt nodded his head and smiled, reaching behind the couch to pause the recording then stretched. ryan gave him a small "thank you." then excused himself to the bathroom. he locked the door then rested his back against the door, sighing heavily. he walked towards the mirror and stared at the reflection in front of him with disgust; dark circles, droopy eyes, pale face. 

he remembered jackson asking him if he felt well when he arrived at the plex, he only shrugged it off as a 'long night' which wasn't far from the truth; laying in bed wide awake until 6 am, intrusive thoughts of everyone in his life eventually abandoning him and turning against him, feeling like he couldn't trust anyone in his life.

he sighed, shrugging off his pullover, revealing his muscle tank top, he didn't know why he wore it today, considering the faded scars that lingered across his wrists, but he didn't feel like doing laundry and he was already late to work- he tied the sweater around his hips, pulling out a small blade from his gym shorts.

ryan held the blade to his wrist. "1..2..3.." he mumbled to himself before dragging the blade against his skin, sighing at the relief of all his stress, all his worries, just from one little swipe. the stinging was always his favorite part, watching the blood drip slowly into the sink, making a mental note to clean it up before he left.

he did a few more lines on that same wrist before moving to the next, repeating the same process as before, when he finally pulled the small blade away from his skin he groaned at the smell of iron that now filled the air; he always hated that part about cutting, it made him feel so sick. his vision became spotty but he was already gone for too long, matt would be suspicious if he snuck out and went home and they were already in the middle of recording a video, he couldn't just ask to go home and force matt to wait to finish the current session the next day.

he cleaned up the sink then held onto the edge, closing his eyes to relax himself before opening them and pulling his pullover back on, stumbling out of the bathroom and back into the recording room with matt, trying not to trip over himself in the process. when he opened the door and entered the room, matt gave him a cheeky smile and repositioned himself once ryan sat down.

"you were gone so long i thought you fell in for a second." he laughed at his own joke, ryan only gave a small 'haha' at matt's words then turned his head towards the tv. matt hummed, starting the recording again and unpausing the game. the recording session went like it did before, small banter and jokes, until ryan began to feel lightheaded, he muttered 'fuck' under his breath and closed his eyes. matt turned his head towards ryan and frowned.

"are you okay ryan? are you sure you don't need to go home? we could always record another time.."

"we don't need to be behind in recording, just keep playing, i'll be fine."

matt shrugged and continued to play the game, trying to bounce jokes off with ryan but ryan stayed silent, once matt finished the level he was on, he put down his controller and looked over towards ryan, who's face was even more pale than before. "r..ryan?" matt frowned, he reached over and shook ryan's body, pulling his hand away when he noticed how cold the older male felt.

"dude are you awake? talk to me, ry..." matt shook him once again but no reaction, he took the other's arm in his hand, pulling up his sleeve, almost gagging at the gashes on his wrist.

"ryan?! holy shit- fuck, fuck, fuck!"

he couldn't believe ryan would do this to himself, he panicked, picking up ryan-- stumbling a bit from how much bigger he was than the younger lanky male and rushed out of the recording room, calling out for any of the tucker brothers for help. the youngest brother; carson poked his head out from around the corner, eyes going wide when he noticed ryan's bloodied wrists and tears running down matt's eyes.

"what the fuck? matt is he okay?" carson stood in front of the older male, frowning and carefully examining ryan who was in matt's arms, barely breathing at this point.

"c-carson, we nee-d to ta-take him to the hos-hospital i'm s-so scared he's going to d-d-die i don't want to lose him- ple-please." he stumbled over his words, hiccuping every other word, his voice was cracked and strained.

carson nodded, grabbing his car keys and helping matt get ryan into the backseat of the car, laying his body down on the seats, matt sniffled then shut the door, getting in the passenger side. carson drove as fast as he could to the hospital, helping matt get ryan out of the car, the two younger men rushed the older one of the two inside.

after they talked to a nurse and the other took ryan to the icu, matt and carson sat in the waiting room, filling out ryan's paperwork, matt sniffled again and carson held his hand, giving him a comforting squeeze.

when the nurse told them they could visit ryan before they took him to another room, the two men following behind the nurse, dreading seeing their friend in his current state. she showed the two his room then walked away to treat other patients so the two could have time alone with the oldest of the three.

matt cried when he saw ryan hooked up to the life support, machines beeping every so often. carson held matt, letting the older male cry on his shoulder. he looked up at ryan, tears clouded his vision which he couldn't tell if he was thankful for or not-- really not wanting to see ryan like this, wishing it was him hooked up to all those machines instead of ryan.

matt walked over to ryan, stroking his long dark hair, hands shaking as he did so. he couldnt stop the tears flowing from his eyes, stinging his eyes, gasping for breath from crying so hard. carson watching in silence, standing beside of matt and squeezing his hand once again.

after a few more minutes, the nurse came into the room, taking ryan to another room to await seeing the doctor, leaving the two younger men in the room alone.

"he'll be okay matt.. they'll take care of him.."

matt didn't say anything, only breaking down in carson's arms, sobbing into the fabric of his hoodie while carson stroked his back.


End file.
